We started our fertility journey in 2018 when Emily was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). We’ve undergone fertility treatment on and off for the last several years, and our doctor has now recommended we proceed with IVF to grow our family. We’ve spent time praying about the right next step and are excited about this next adventure. What’s particularly exciting about our chances with IVF is there is a 60-65% chance IVF will work in the first three cycles. The program that we’ve chosen also has a money-back guarantee! If for some reason we don’t end up pregnant within 3 cycles we get every penny back, which we will then use toward growing our family through adoption. If it's on your heart to support through donation we would be grateful, but we also know this is not an option for everyone. We ask that you continue to pray for us as we pursue our growing family.  If you want more details about our adventure, keep reading otherwise this is your TL; DR. Chapter 1 Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need. -Hebrews 4:16 In 2018 we started to pursue pregnancy on our own, but after 6 months of trying with no success, Emily's doctor recommended seeing a specialist due to a lack of ovulation. Emily was quickly diagnosed with PCOS, which is largely driven by insulin resistance. Doctors are unsure of what causes PCOS, but it is one of the leading causes of infertility. We spent 2019 working with a fertility clinic to learn about PCOS, attempt pregnancy through medication, and then a few rounds of inner uterine insemination (IUI). After 4 failed attempts of IUI, we were both tired. The physical and emotional toll that infertility takes is akin to waves of grief. On Thanksgiving, in 2019 we felt God was putting it on our hearts to readjust, put everything on hold, and work on our finances. We pushed pause. Stayed tuned for Chapter 2 in our next update. Chapter 2 Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is good, pleasing, and the perfect will of God. - Romans 12:2 Many are not aware, but from January - March 2020 we both worked extra jobs and restructured our priorities to begin aggressively paying off debt. We were both bummed when the shutdown occurred, but we were going out less, working less, paying off more, and gaining more rest. we savored every moment of downtime and grew together during the stay-at-home order. The debt we paid off felt so good, and it still feels good. That's why when we began considering IVF we spent time in prayer and conversation because we didn't, and still don't, want to go back to that burden of debt we were carrying. However, we know that we are meant to be parents. If any of you have seen Craig with kids, maybe even your kid(s), you know that man is meant to be a dad. He has a patient and playful heart that kids notice and are eager to be around him. Getting to watch him invest in the children of our friends and family has been such a gift and only furthers our desire to replicate that with our own child(ren). As we had time to reflect during our time at home, we knew that our finances weren't the only thing that needed changing and growing. We decided our bodies also needed some work, and we needed to be more mindful of how we take care of the one body that we are given. It was time for a lifestyle change, and it was awesome! We can't wait to share Chapter 3 with you! Chapter 3 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.             1 Corinthians 6:19-20 In July 2020, Craig and I started planning for our first round of Whole 30. We had friends that did Whole 30 in the past with great success, and we desperately wanted to break up with sugar and change our eating habits. We knew going into it that we didn't want it to be a fad diet or quick fix but rather a lifestyle change. We cleaned everything out of our kitchen that was not compliant with the Whole 30 lifestyle, restocked our kitchen with whole and healthy foods, and went to work. The first three days we were energized, but by day 8 I wanted to eat everything. It was wonderful holding each other accountable and we continued to not spend money unnecessarily and fed our bodies what they needed. Craig lost 25 pounds over the course of a month and a half and I lost 14 pounds. We felt amazing! We largely stuck with our Whole 30 lifestyle and Craig continued to drop weight and I maintained. Fast forward a year to August 2021 when we first met with our new fertility doctor. Fun fact, fertility specialists are reproductive endocrinologists. Endocrinologists specialize in treating hormone relates disorders including infertility, diabetes, and metabolic disorders. Our doctor recommended the books, The Diabetes Code and The Obesity Code by Jason Fung. I am neither diabetic nor obese, but insulin is a hormone that directly impacts PCOS. She also recommended intermittent fasting and consuming no more than 20 carbs a day. To be clear, one medium banana has 27 grams of carbohydrates. Even though we were eating whole foods the number of carbs I was consuming was impacting my insulin which was impacting my hormones, infertility, and PCOS symptoms. Once I began intermittent fasting, reduced my carb intake, and largely moved over to a keto-ish diet I began losing more weight. From the time we started Whole 30 to a little over a year later I lost more than 25 pounds. I have since maintained my weight and lifestyle, increased my fitness, and feel so much better. My PCOS symptoms have greatly decreased and I even ovulated on my own once, which hasn't happened previously. If you or someone in your family has diabetes, are pre-diabetic, or it runs in your family I highly recommend reading the books listed above. It is a wealth of knowledge and provided me with a whole new understanding of how our bodies work and interact with what we consume. Are my food choices annoying at times? Yes. Would it be easier to throw spaghetti on the stove? Totally. Do we do healthy eating perfectly all the time? Absolutely not. What I do know though, is that I feel emotionally and physically so different when I stick to low carbs and 16 hours of intermittent fasting. All of this being said, amidst all of these changes over the last several years there was something deeper happening. We were growing and changing in a way that, until recently, I didn't even recognize fully. A few weeks back I called my mom and told her, "I am actually at a point now where I am grateful for my infertility because God has used it to mold me." Just wait for Chapter 4, it's probably the best one yet.

Chapter 4

CAVEAT: This is not what I planned on writing about, nor what I referenced in the previous Chapter. I'm not quite ready to share that yet and this is what is currently on my heart.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

For many, many years I didn’t understand this verse. I didn’t understand how I could be thankful when someone died, thankful for infertility, thankful for moving across the country. God doesn’t say to ONLY be thankful in all circumstances. I’m learned a lot about living in shades of gray. Craig said to me, “you can be excited for someone else AND be disappointed we’re not pregnant yet. Those feelings don’t have to be separate.” I can be thankful for infertility, AND sad, AND disappointment, AND I can stil rejoice and pray without ceasing. I have grown to become thankful for my infertility. You’ve read the previous chapters, lived life with us, and you know how much we have grown and changed throughout this journey. It doesn’t mean that it still isn’t hard.

Today I told my therapist that if I ever wrote a book about infertility I would name it One Disappointment After Another; sometimes that’s exactly what infertility feels like. Similar to special education, you have to fail over and over before you finally get a diagnosis and get help. Sometimes you spend years before anyone says let’s try to fix the problem. It is exhausting for everyone involved. There are many factors that have made this experience better than our previous fertility clinic attempt, but attending weekly therapy sessions has a huge impact on my overall ability to manage all the feelings well. *That being said, I still don’t manage them all well all the time; there are tons of hormones being pumped into my body that aren’t usually there and it’s hard.*

I’ve been attending therapy for a little over a year now and I’ve grown so much as a result. It is hard work and sometimes I want to just sit on the couch instead of talking about my feelings but I always come out better after an hour. I’ve learned so much about myself and have gained more confidence in my identity. I know I don’t NEED to be a mom, but I do know that I really want to and that God has put it on my heart for a reason. I’m always astounded about how God meets me right where I am, which is especially true during my weekly counseling session. I am so grateful.