For most of my life, I wanted to avoid being a mother at all costs. The thought of bringing a child into the world absolutely horrified me, not only because of all of the brokenness in the world but because of the trauma I experienced as I was growing up and in my teen years as well. I simply didn't know that there was a healthy and life-affirming way to be a mother.   My journey toward healing began in my early twenties, and it has taken me 18 years to come to the realization that, not only is being a mother something that can be beautiful and truly good... but that it is what I desperately wanted all along. Now knowing this, I can see it in retrospect, how I have always loved and cared for the children of my friends and family members.   Several years ago now, I decided that I would try to start a little family of my own. While I don't have a partner at this time, I am very stable financially and have a good support system around me, and I'm confident that I would be able to provide a child with everything they would possibly need to thrive - especially a loving and healthy home.   It is very challenging for me to ask for and to accept help for this part of things, since it is something I decided to do on my own, but I have been working hard for several years to do this on my own. Along the way, I have had many ups and downs including four devastating miscarriages, years of monthly costs for home inseminations, and the loss of my three genetic embryos. If you would like to see my full fertility timeline up to this point, you can find it below   At this point, I have invested thousands and thousands of dollars over the years on my own. With that said, I know it is a normal part of parenthood to sacrifice for your child and I am happy to have given my all for the hope of having a child.   Currently, embryo adoption is the only path forward for me, and I do need help to make it happen. My doctor has confirmed that with the right embryo, this is very possible for me and the chances for success are good. I am afraid that my time is running out, but while there is even the slightest chance for me to bring a new life into the world, I'm not giving up.   If you feel that you can and would like to help financially, even giving a little would mean a lot.   My fertility timeline: ?1996-2017 adamant that I don't want children ?Trying to conceive since 2018 - started healing complex PTSD and learned generational trauma cycles can be broken, realized wanted to be a mom all along ?Miscarriage 2020 natural conception ?Did a combination of home inseminations and 4 unmedicated IUIs (intrauterine insemination - has to be done by a medical professional) approximately 1 1/2 years resulting in another miscarriage paid a lot of money out of pocket for sperm vials each month. A lot of stress involved trying to time things right. ?10/21 started working with Fertility Institute of Hawaii on Oahu did 4 medicated IUIs ?11/21 Recurrent pregnancy loss testing, hsg testing (a painful test to make sure fallopian tubes are open and that uterus looks normal) - All results normal ?12/21 Doctor recommended IVF (in vitro fertilization) ?2/22 IVF, many injections, not so fun side effects, flew to Oahu every other day for two weeks until egg retrieval. Egg retrieval is performed under anesthetia. Resulted in 3 normal embryos. One round of IVF covered by insurance but paid $8k out of pocket for deductible and testing that embryos are chromosomally normal. ?it takes several weeks of prepping for embryo transfers (FET - frozen embryo transfer) with painful daily injections and side effects and multiple trips to and from Oahu for appointments ?4/21 canceled FET cycle due to bad uterine lining. Was very devastating ?5/21 FET #1 with one embryo, implantation failure, negative pregnancy ?Insurance no longer covers any procedures going forward ?6/22 FET #2 with one embryo, implantation failure, negative pregnancy ?More painful testing (ERA, ALICE, EMMA)-discovered pathogen known for causing recurrent pregnancy loss and implantation failure. Took several months to treat. More painful waiting. ?11/22 FET #3, implantation failure, no more genetic embryos, very devastating ?Moved on to embryo adoption due to not being able to get insurance coverage for another round of IVF ?1/23 hysteroscopy no abnormalities found ?2/23 canceled FET cycle ?3/23 FET #4 with adopted, untested embryo, resulting in chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage). Dr suspects abnormal embryo as the cause. ?6/23 FET #5 with adopted, tested chromosomally normal embryo (PGT-A euploid embryo) resulting in chemical pregnancy, there was concern I was having an ectopic pregnancy with weeks of uncertainty and a very big emotional Rollercoaster with that ending in it not being a viable pregnancy.